Wheelman

Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that an action hero with biceps the size of oil drums managed to claw his way from the burning wreckage of the Midway bankruptcy. Ubisoft recently took the reins of this Transporter-style mission-based driving game, and as a result, gamers now have the golden opportunity to be Vin Diesel and drive a Pontiac G8. But should you care?

Wheelman’s plot, such as it is, sees Vin doing the aggressive driving for various small-time criminals who never have anything remotely interesting to say. The complete absence of a decent storyline would be bad enough in an 87-minute action flick, but over the course of a seven-hour game, the whole thing just feels utterly directionless.

The driving itself is pure arcade fodder, allowing you to perform ludicrous “vehicle melee” attacks to smash chasing vehicles into walls. While Newton would spin in his grave, these physics-defying maneuvers are easily the most satisfying part of the game. The other special moves aren’t terrible ideas, but they’re all awkward to control: The airjacking move (leaping from car to car) is tough to pull off at anything faster than a crawl because lock-on is lost so quickly, and the slow-mo focus powers render you incapable of steering the vehicle, often resulting in Vin being launched like a slap-headed missile from his motorcycle.

On paper, the mission design seems suitably varied, but before long it grows deeply repetitive. It doesn’t help that outdated design decisions, such as artificially sped-up vehicles during chase sequences, rear their ugly heads. Still, they’re infinitely preferable to the on-foot shooting sections, where Vin handles with all the finesse of a grand piano careening down a hill. Yet, for all these criticisms, Wheelman never quite plumbs the depths of unplayability. It’s really just another one of those depressingly average action games.