The Seven Deadly Videogame Sinners

The Seven Deadly Videogame Sinners

They are heroes and legends. Immortals. They frag, rock, chainsaw and more. But what sins lie deep in your favorite videogame character's past? OXM investigates.

Aerosmith 

Crime: Greed. I have nothing against Aerosmith, they're not exactly my cup of tea, but no one can deny they've written some Guitar Hero-worthy stuff. However, in signing on as the first exclusive band to be featured on Guitar Hero, they stole an opportunity for a much more, dare I say, heroic band to have that honorable title. Music like Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Hendrix, AC/DC, or Van Halen just might have supplied truer guitar heroes. Did not the winds whisper of a Beatles Guitar Hero package?

Redemption: Neutralized the risk of a Limp Bizkit Guitar Hero package…for now.

Companion Cube:

Crime: Sloth. The lovable cube from Portal let itself be killed, and yet was no martyr. That’s why Companion Cube deserves to go the blistering inferno beneath (that, I might remind you, you dropped it in) because it made no effort to change its future. Maybe it was just a fundamentalist determinist, but C.C.’s reluctance to change its fate earns it a trip to Hell in a hand basket of sloth.

Redemption: It worked hard in its short life.

Tony Hawk

Crime: Gluttony. Tony Hawk makes so much money off of his videogames, phone endorsements, and clothes brands, he probably has a hard time making time for that little hobby of his: skateboarding.  But if you really sit down to think about it, it’s obvious that the Hawkster owns a cloning machine of some sort. He has to be everywhere at once, which is evidence enough that he has cloned himself to make all those appearances.

But the best evidence for "The Cloney Hawk Conspiracy" is that every Tony Hawk videogame is essentially the same game. Now it wouldn’t be fair to say they haven’t had any innovation in any of these games, but after the revert in THPS3, there have been no major breakthroughs in the Tony World shy of super-slow mo (lovingly borrowed from the now ancient Max Payne) and the ability to get off your board, which is a skill that Tony himeself must have mastered years ago.

Redemption: The song that goes all like “You got me runnin' in a cy-cl-lone” on THPS.

The Ship in Geometry Wars

Crime: Wrath. Yes, we get it Geometry Wars ship, you don’t like math. Hey, me neither, but you don’t see me trying to obliterate it all together. For God’s sake, Geometry Wars ship, you are a shape! Get a hold of yourself. I mean, what’s next? Algebra? And what then, ship -- are you going to destroy colors, too? Then we can live in the shapeless, colorless galaxy you’ve always dreamt of? What’s that, you destroyed dreams too?

Redemption: Unrelenting courage against countless hordes of...octagons...

Master Chief  

Crime: Pride. This one should be obvious to anyone who has seen Chiefy drive banshees into walls coming impossibly close to certain and painful death, only to reply with some pre-planned quip to impress the computer chip in his helmet. Chief is an old-school, flag-waving kind of guy. He calls ‘em how he sees ‘em, but doesn’t need to look long. During the entire series Master Chief speaks slowly in an elegant, low bass. Between ego-driven, colonization-destroying, murder-trips, Master Chief polishes his vanity by waxing his helmet, which he never takes off his head. But perhaps that’s a good thing, since his head would almost certainly fill the galaxy and cause more destruction than any silly “halo rings.”

Redemption: He is pretty cool…

Fable Dude

Crime: You tell me.

Redemption: None.

Dom

Crime: Jealousy. Though the true relationship between Dom and Marcus of the Delta Rover Alpha Over Squad is yet to be determined, one thing is not. Dom is jealous as Hell that Marcus is all leadery. I mean, Dom is talented, a good leader, and has wonderfully huge boots, too…why can’t he lead? Dom saved Marcus, and not the other way around. Dom is brooding, chainsaw gun in hand, ever ready to watch Marcus’s back for one last time...

Redemption: He has the necessary facial scars and facial hair to lead his team to victory.