Energy Quest: Jones WhoopAss

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Jones Soda Big Ol’ Can of WhoopAss
16-ounce can
http://www.jonessoda.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Sprite-citrusy — not as sweet as Rockstar, and not as medicinal as Red Bull. As one of the first energy drinks in the U.S., the flavor comparisons should be understandable. Smells good, too.

“The Jitters”: Nope. Kinda mellow. Disappointingly so.

Focus & alertness: Not quite as high as I’d hoped. This was missing that immediate kick, and I didn’t really feel an effect until a good hour into it. That’s some slow-acting Jones.

Comments from the peanut gallery: “Do they still make that?” (Yes — and you can order it directly from Jones’ site.)

Stank breath: No problem.

Packaging sex appeal: Banzai! Red and white speed lines, forced perspective, and a futuristic font screams “trendy, like Japan.”

How hard did you crash?: Can’t crash if you don’t fly, right?

Other comments: I love the slogan: “Revitalizes attitude and restores faith in mankind.” Let’s see Mountain Dew do that. If you can find it in your area, try it; if you can’t find it, order some. Just know that it’s more refreshing than powerful.

The Verdict: 6.0 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Effervescent, sweet, and just the tiniest bit sour. I really like it in a citrus soft-drink sorta way.

“The Jitters”: Negative. The Shake-o-meter didn’t even register.

Focus & alertness: No effect. I tried this drink twice — once when I was well-rested, once when I was mega-tired — and both times, I felt almost exactly the same after chugging it as I did beforehand. Huh? I hate to hate two reviews in a row, but this stuff is WeakAss, not WhoopAss. And we’re shipping pages to the printer today — I need some speed! Guess I’ll be chasing my can with coffee. Lots of it.

Comments from the peanut gallery: “You seem grumpy,” Fran said. Well, she called that right — I’m groggy and my brain is goo.

Stank breath: No problems here. Just typical fruity-soda breath.

Packaging sex appeal: Ah, I get it: it’s the can that whoops your ass. The bold, face-smacking design jumps off the shelves, no doubt. I’ll keep it for the collection.

How hard did you crash?: It’s a law of energy: no motion, no crash. The only thing I’m feeling right now is annoyed.

Other comments: As I’m always saying, I don’t expect every energy drink to be a hypercaffeinated rush that slams into you like Marcus Fenix hitting cover. But you should feel something, or it’s not an e-drink. WhoopAss gets points for tasting good, but I’m not paying two bucks or more for a Big Ol’ Can of Nothing.

The Verdict: 5.0 (out of 10)

Missed some of our earlier Energy Quests? You can find our old adventures right here!