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Posted on: Jan 02, 2008

Energy Quest: Java Monster (Mean Bean)

WORDS BY: Corey Cohen & Dan Amrich

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Product: Java Monster (Mean Bean flavor)
Size: 15-ounce can
URL: www.monsterenergy.com
 

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen 

Describe the flavor: I crave coffee in all its forms (liquid, candy, ice cream, etc.), so this drink is like precious nectar to me. I love the sweet, sugary coffee taste — it’s like someone brewed a slightly creamy mocha drink and poured it into my Monster can. Yum.

Irritability (stomach): Not a bit. 

Irritability (personality): Again, none.

“The Jitters”: Some, but not in the scary, hands-shaking kind of way. Monster drinks just tend to make me a little hyper — after having one, I notice myself talking a bit faster and louder, like someone just fed my Mako some Omni-gel. It’s totally tolerable but definitely noticeable. 

Focus & alertness: I’m definitely more alert and can focus pretty well, even with the slight spazziness. This energy drink works.

Negative impact on co-workers: The coffee-drinkers are intrigued; the coffee-haters have their fingers in a fence grate, like vampires shielding themselves from the sun. 

Stank breath: Less than most energy drinks — barely any, in fact. Just a savory aftertaste.

Packaging sex appeal: On the normal, neon-colored Monster cans, the three-pronged Monster logo (can you say Jurassic Park III?) seems sorta faux-tribal, but I’m a total sucker for the Java Monster can. All that earthy-brown mocha-colored goodness makes me thirsty for java-liciousness. 

How hard did you crash?: I did start to drag once it wore off; thankfully, the come-down wasn’t too debilitating or energy-crushing. I’m still more energized than I was before my 15-ouncer. (Where'd the other ounce go?)

Other comments: If you’re grossed out by tart, citrus-y, amino-reeking energy drinks, the Mean Bean is a perfect substitute, especially for coffee-lovers who love a java taste. If it hadn’t made me jittery and left me a bit tired afterward (unlike, say, Bawls, which tastes great and left me feeling great), I’d have 9.0’d it all the way. As is, though, it’s still terrific.

The Verdict: 8.5 (out of 10)
 

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: I don’t drink coffee. I’ve never wanted to, really. I sometimes like coffee ice cream, and this tastes like that, with a similarly sweet aftertaste. It’s got real coffee and reduced fat milk inside, so I shouldn’t have been surprised to find that this tastes so…creamy? Should energy drinks be creamy? Honestly, this is a little disgusting to me, because of what I generally drink. But…yeah, it tastes like coffee.

Irritability (stomach): Hold on…just a little, um, nauesous. This is kind of…hurrrk…BLAAGHARHGHAGHAHHH! 

Irritability (personality): I don’t like throwing up, realllllAAAGHGHGGHMAGH!

“The Jitters”: Oh god…I really need to sit doOWWAGAGHAGHHGAGH! 

Focus & alertness: Okay…I think…it’s passed. Um, I’m awake. I’m sorry to say I’m awake, because I don’t really want to be awake for this. But it did perk me up.

Negative impact on co-workers: Obvious. 

Stank breath: Well, under the circumstances…

Packaging sex appeal: For whatever reason, the can is faux wood grain. What? 

How hard did you crash? I was surprised that…oh…oh god, not agaAAGGAHRHGHAHGHGHBPLAH!

Other comments: BLAAGHARHGHAGHAHHH! 

The Verdict:  3 out of RALGHATHAAAGHK!

COMMENTS:

L@@KS YUMMY!

Im gonna buy an can of THIS!

You can't say the drink made you throw up unless you do it again. ;}
Es ist party zeit!

I hope that non of you have to suffer through the green can of full throttle. We used to own rabbits, and it smells exactly like rabbit food (and tastes like the smell. UGH!!).

There is nothing better than a spot hitting cold Ginger Ale! No jittery causing chemicals are needed (or wanted) unless it is coffee in the mornings.

I used to drink energy drinks...... is still do but i used to drink them too.
No but really, vitamin water is the way to go.
DannyMAC
-MobGaming.net

Remind me again, why don't I drink these sumptuous energizing beverages?

Ross (SHOCKERRA)

"like someone just fed my Mako some Omni-gel" lol mass effect! yea ive tried this and it almsot made me sick too. you guys should try out the sobe arush, i used to use them when i had to work nights and they kept me up and actually tasted great

I had the craziest energy dribk today from Wal Mart it was Full Throttle: Nature is one BAD Mother and it had the weirdest taste ever, it had Blueberry Juice and tasted different and i am 3 hours later and jittery u should try it :)

Hahaha, Dan, you're crazy. :P
_________________
Gamertag: CAWeissen

Wow... So Dan didn't like it. However, I think the Mocha one is the best. Did you guys review the standard Monster? The low carb one (black and blue can)is the best because of it's lack of sugar, less aftertaste.

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