Energy Quest: Full Throttle

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Full Throttle
16-ounce can
www.fullthrottleenergy.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Bizarre! Maybe it’s just living up to its name, but Full Throttle tastes like the strangest mix of tangy citrus and a hint of…gasoline? There’s an odd metallic bite I can’t place; I don’t dislike it, but this drink isn’t nearly as savory as Bawls or Java Monster.

Irritability (stomach): No fire in my tummy.

Irritability (personality): No fire in my brain — feelin’ good and relaxed.

“The Jitters”: Don’t feel any. Guess this smooth ride has a sweet suspension.

Focus & alertness: This stuff gave me just the nitro boost I needed to get past my early-morning drag — I’m much more alert and awake now.

Negative impact on co-workers: None. Hell, with my productivity boost, the higher-ups may just implement a Full Throttle–a-day rule.

Stank breath: My mouth is emitting fruity, fuel-y fumes. Can I breathe fire if I hold up a match?

Packaging sex appeal: The Coca-Cola Company is my hero for so unequivocally chasing the high-octane/monster-truck/“real American” crowd. Full Throttle’s name and logo scream KICK ASS, and the product’s website is a call to macho, with the phrase “Let Your Man Out” sitting beneath a flaming Full Throttle can. I feel a thousand times tougher already.

How hard did you crash?: Despite its modest caffeine count (9mg/ounce — on-par with Red Bull and Rockstar), this drink gave me a mild hourslong buzz that was pretty much perfect, with no crash afterward.

Other comments: I’m still iffy on its taste, but Full Throttle gives you a great jumpstart. Like 5-Hour Energy, I’d drink it just for the sheer power-up factor…while doing my best to appreciate its unusual flavor.

The Verdict: 8.0 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Citrusplosion! This really appeals to me — I like very strong citrus flavors, and this is sort of a lemonade mixed with passion fruit and perhaps a little grapefruit too. The drop-off is a little watery, but that keeps it from tasting too sweet or heavy. It’s strong yet light — the titanium of energy drinks.

Irritability (stomach): None.

Irritability (personality): I’m a ray of @#$%in’ sunshine, as always.

“The Jitters”: None. Energy was consistent.

Focus & alertness: High. There’s plenty of caffeine and guarana and taurine and all the usual energy drink suspects in here. They’re doing their respective jobs.

Negative impact on co-workers: None, happy to say.

Stank breath: Again, the flavor and bouquet was so light, I didn’t notice any.

Packaging sex appeal: Hard to argue with a glossy black can and tribal tattoos. Did we mention the marketing slogan is “Let Your Man Out”?

How hard did you crash?: Not too much. Honestly, I expected more than I got. Maybe I’m just building up a tolerance.

Other comments: Like Bawls, this is lightly carbonated and really goes down smooth for me — not as heavily syrupy as some other drinks, and I’m really impressed that they kept it refreshing without being too sweet. I didn’t go in with really high expectations, so maybe that’s factoring in — but I’d buy this again next time I needed a charge.

The Verdict: 8.0 (out of 10)