Energy Quest: Red Bull

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, lots of caffeine, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage -- it's their Energy Quest. It's not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Red Bull
8-ounce can
http://www.redbull.com

Corey "The Junkie" Cohen

Describe the Flavor: Tart to the fourth power. (As in, Every Extend Extra Extreme tartness.) But it’s not overpowering, and you can get used to it pretty easily.

Irritability (stomach): None. I could’ve just drank a soda…my gastro-everything can’t tell the difference.

Irritability (personality): Nothing here, either. I feel more awake, but without an irritability aftershock.

“The Jitters”: No jitters. Awesome…I can still type!

Focus & Alertness: Pretty good. Red Bull gives you more of a mild mental boost than an adrenaline shot to the brain, so you feel sharper but not too sharp to the point where you’d have trouble concentrating.

Stank breath: Well, I wouldn’t say I have minty-fresh breath, but Red Bull doesn’t nasty up your mouth the way some other energy drinks (e.g., Rockstar) do.

Negative impact on co-workers: Very little. And the heat from them is minimal, too — probably because Red Bull is so mainstream that to many people, a “morning Red Bull” isn’t much different from a “morning coffee.”

Packaging sex appeal: The two red bulls on the can are hard to spot; pretty much what you notice are the iconic blue and grey trapezoids. They’re not so much sexy as workmanlike: they say “This is an energy drink,” pure and simple. Boring, but hey, when you’re the standard, you can afford to be boring.

How hard did you crash?: Not at all. I definitely like that.

Other comments: Red Bull’s still the old standby of energy drinks. It’s been around too long to be cool or trendy, but there’s a reason it’s still around: everyone knows it, and it’s got just the right amount of kick. Hardcore energy-drinkers will consider it too mild, but the average person wanting a small jumpstart (or something to spice up their mixed drink) will appreciate what the 8-ounce blue-and-grey can has to offer.

The Verdict: 7.5 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Have you ever taken a multivitamin, like Centrum or something? It tastes like that. Not like anything else, but not necessarily good, either.

Irritability (stomach): Doesn’t bother me, I’m happy to say.

Irritability (personality): Sometimes.

“The Jitters”: Noticeable. I feel a bit twitchy halfway through a can, usually.

Focus & alertness: Noticable but short-lived. I get maybe an hour tops, but I’ll take it.

Negative impact on co-workers: Only because the can is distinctive do they give me any grief, because they know I’m using. But Red Bull makes a fine addition to any unbalanced breakfast.

Stank breath: Sadly evident.

Packaging sex appeal: Slices of blue and silver are hard to ignore; if you removed the rest of the imagery on the can, most people would still know it was Red Bull. Can’t complain with the brand that started it all.

How hard did you crash?: Moderate. This sort of set the standard for crashing, and I still do after every can.

Other comments: I remember seeing Red Bull ads in Wipeout for the PlayStation and going “What the hell is Red Bull?” Little did I know it would launch an entire division of soft drinks and convince the world that it’s worth paying two bucks for eight ounces instead of 75 cents for 12. That doesn’t make me stop drinking it, though.

The Verdict: 6.5 (out of 10)