Energy Quest: Archer Farms
Fruit Punch

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Archer Farms Fruit Punch
16-ounce can
http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/archer_farms.jsp

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: It’s supposed to be fruit punch, so technically anything from grape to lemon to apple goes, but I got a strong pinapple/cherry taste that overpowered the citrus. And is that watermelon too? It’s like a weird liquid Jolly Rancher candy. It’s also quite tart.

“The Jitters”: None.

Focus & alertness: Slightly increased, but nothing dramatic.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Nobody was around to discuss it.

Stank breath: Taurine and melon. Not a winning combination.

Packaging sex appeal: As part of the Target house brand Archer Farms, there’s the standard rooster logo on black on the top third of the can, with a red gradient on the bottom to let you know it’s fruit punch. But hey…red and black works for Ferrari.

How hard did you crash?: Weirdly, I felt a crash but I never felt a high.

Other comments: The can reads, “All packed with a tart and tasty fruit punch and we do mean punch.” I will agree with the tart. I don’t agree with the tasty. With Bawls, Monster, and Red Bull on the shelf next to this stuff, the only motivator would be price…and I wouldn’t suggest being price-motivated here.

The Verdict: 3.5 (out of 10) 

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Super-sour, mildly sweet, fruity…it’s passable, but I sure wouldn’t call it good. The generic fruit-punch taste (genero-punch?) is more tart and taurine than anything else.

“The Jitters”: Another drink that gave me the anti-jitters: I cracked a yawn, and I’m running on 9 hours’ sleep! Maybe my body’s passing judgment?

Focus & alertness: I feel a little more energetic, but it’s minimal. Clearly, this stuff is meant to be a mild e-drink, not an ass-kicker.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Fran thought it looked like something you’d buy for your kids — benign and welcoming.

Stank breath: Barely any. Just a tarty aftertaste.

Packaging sex appeal: Its package is probably the best thing about this product: the quaint (or “dignified,” as Fran called it) Archer Farms logo and the red/pink-and-black color scheme are so simple and family-friendly compared to the competition, it’s almost subversive. Ironically, the text on the back of the can says “Blast off with the jet set!”

How hard did you crash?: It’s hard to crash when you’re moving 5mph.

Other comments: There’s nothing offensive about this drink, but it’s lackluster in almost every way — it tastes blah (and too tart), it’s under-caffeinated, and there’s just nothing really distinct about it. If you like fruity-tasting drinks, Hyphy, Nos, Burn, Viso Vigor, and even Inked (Chikara) are all better choices.

The Verdict: 4.0 (out of 10)