King of Diamonds

It sounded like a plum assignment: Rip a ferocious path of shopping value from one end of San Francisco to the other, armed only with the Xbox Live Diamond Card — “your ticket to discounts and promotions at retailers across the country.” Offering insider deals on satellite TV, junk food, golfing greens fees, frozen meat, yachtclub memberships — even new cars! — the Diamond Card represents a real-world reward for all those virtualworld Achievements…free!

Well, it used to be. Gamers must now pay $6.95/year for the privilege of the Xbox Live Diamond membership, and Gamertags no longer appear embossed on the face of the card — a surreal geek perk of the original run of cards. But, hey, what’s $7 if it saves you $70, right? The Xbox Live Diamond Card website assures us that the card pays for itself “in just one or two uses!”

Well, we know that, and we figure Microsoft knows that. But do the employees and managers of all the businesses that signed up with the program know that? We assumed they would, and that the card placed on a little silver tray at the end of dinner would be met with a courteous nod at the very least, and preferably a deep bow or shoe-shine. So, armed with my Xbox Live Diamond Card and a photographer who promised to work in exchange for doughnuts, I set out to show San Francisco what was in my wallet.

TURBO RIDE

Our first stop was the Turbo Ride — it’s like a paint-can shaker, but for people — at San Francisco‘s tourist-laden Fisherman‘s Wharf. I whipped out the Xbox Live Diamond Card and handed it to Les, the guy at the counter, who stared at it with the sort of blank expression usually associated with patients under general anesthesia. I asked him if he’d ever seen the card before, to which he replied, “Uh, negative sir,” shaking his head.

“I’m supposed to get a discount here if I use this card,” I said. He immediately picked up a phone and called the manager.

A small line was forming behind us. A man at the back of the line with a young child asked Les if the dinosaur-themed ride was “scary.” Les shrugged. It was, if nothing else, an efficient transaction, and the man walked away with his son while we waited. I heard a shout from somewhere behind the counter: “We’re looking it up on the Internet!”

A few moments later, the manager emerged from the back office waving a piece of paper. She correctly identified our discount as being a classic buy-one-ticket-get-one-free jobber. As it turns out, I was supposed to have printed out a coupon from the Xbox Live Diamond Card website, but the manager was gracious and gave us our discount anyway.

While our first encounter wasn’t, you know, a fantastic experience, I wielded the card and I got my discount. To be fair, the Xbox Live Diamond Card site never claimed that the card would be met with gushing enthusiasm, or that employees would be so thrilled that they’d powder your asscheeks after you left the restroom. But, you know, one can dream.

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