The Scoreboard #15

We’ve got a mean batch of Achievement reviews to toss your way this week, and it’s headlined by the almighty (and totally boobalicious) Soul Calibur IV. Following that, you can see what it’s like to Achieve while taking over the world in Civilization Revolution before we wrap it up with an XBLA study of Double D Dodgeball and 1942: Joint Strike. Oh yeah, there might be a shapely Xbox Live Arcade surprise at the end, as well.

Soul Calibur IV

You’ll need to learn to wield a sword with the distinguished excellence of a man-hating anthropomorphic iguana, as well as build patience for online jerk-offs like you never thought imaginable if you plan on pulling plunder out of Soul Calibur IV. Cheapsters run the online joint, and the AI enemies aren’t pushovers when it comes to the hard difficulty, but if you’re planning on casually playing the game for a good amount of time, well, good things come to those who wait.

Best Achievement: Iron Hammer (10 pts.) Land an attack on a taunting opponent. – If ever there was a more satisfying event in videogame history, we ain’t seen it. Honestly, what’s more fulfilling than hearing Maxi shut his face about what a great Elvis impressionist he is as you drive a lightsaber through his ribcage? Why, we certainly don’t recall The King having this burning, gaping hole in his side… Do you Maxi?

Worst Achievement: Looter of the Battlefield (20 pts.) Collect all accessories. – Talk about tedious. Grinding through the tower, whether you’re ascending or descending, to nab all this extra loot is a major pain in the neck. With unlisted requirements to unlock treasure chests —we fluked out and got one for winning a round with zero seconds left, and KO’ing our opponent as they KO’d us! — it’s a hassle to slog through, so if you want the booty, bust out the experimenting. You never know when you might need to lose by ring out to unlock a pretty necklace! If you’re aiming for Perfects (win the fight without tasting the enemy’s fist) and you’ve got a second or third character on backup, sub them in with RB when your foe is at low health to finish him off. If you sub Ivy for Cervantes, it doesn’t matter if the lady took a beating; the dead pirate is scratch free!

Easiest Achievement: First Step as an Artist (5 pts.) Customize a regular character. – A simple few taps of the A button as you navigate the menu will add a skill or accessory to any Soul Calibur character, and five points to your Gamerscore checking account. You don’t need to gussy up Kilik with a new cape and rings to boot, but if you want to take the time being a warrior’s personal fashion advisor, go ahead. If you want to avoid getting in the way of Rock’s loincloth, create your own character for another 5 GS and the “Chosen by History” Achievement.

Hardest Achievement: Hero King (30 pts.) Level up to 20 (Online). – As of this writing, our Scoreboard account on the Xbox 360 is at a level three. With 20-something fights under our belt, we’ve yet to run in to a single person who hasn’t played as the insanely cheap bo-staff wielding pretty boy Kilik, or the equally unfair to fight Yoda. Green’s stature makes him extremely difficult to hit, and Kilik’s reach often makes it impossible to get near him without being pummelled by a repeated mashing of the X button. Sure, most of you are better than us and will cruise to 20, but without hundreds of matches to lay claim to, you’ll rest below 20 for a good long time.

Weirdest Achievement: Start a New Era (5 pts.) Welcome to the new world of SOULCALIBUR! – Five points for sitting through the opening cutscene and pressing Start? That’s all? Well, if you have a spare window of time in your day, that's a quick fiver, if you need the points that bad...

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 3.5 (out of ten) – Keister, meet couch. Let’s hope you play nice because y’all are going to be spending some quality time together while we play through a ridiculous amount of fist fighting and sword swinging. There are characters to be unlocked, Jedi to destroy, counters to perform, finishers to unleash and ten kilometres of stepping to do before we unlock the Gamerscore we so desire. You’ll spend hours playing SCIV – we are currently at about hour 10 for The Scoreboard with a hundred-something points! — with miniature increments of reward. But it’s fun as all hell and the Achievements all come in time, so go nuts and beat the breast sizes of these obscenely ridiculous characters down. Please. They’re even offensive to dudes.

Overall: 8 (out of ten) – As mentioned, the “win a hundred of this” and “do a thousand of these” Achievements will gobble up your precious time like wild, but if you’re in it for the long haul, kicking the crap out of Kilik (and others if you want, but why would you?) will surely net you a fairly impressive amount of points as you check off these (mostly) clever Achievements one by one. There’s a big emphasis on unlocking and online, so stick to the ranked matches and tower-mode and you’re mint. Just make sure you’ve booked tomorrow off.

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